Satan Bwoi

Before I start the story ef  u have sitn gense badwud tun back from now cah dahhh story yah isnt far di weak af heart......

So ef u know me like some people know me ... you know me have a deep seated love and appreciation for food and as I work for minimum wage at Golden Circle Plantation you know I have to tek the country bus to Coronation Market ..... Ok...... translation ...... A dung a Curry mi shop .... cah mi nuh know why mi must a gwaan officious suh .... bout Coronation Market 😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁

Anyways .... Sooooooo month end weekend and mi leff mi yaad hearly fi beat di Philistines dem to market ... cah massa wen Curry full anuh likkle pickney sitn.... Finish mi shopping and and drag mi wares to the country bus park ..... aka Pechon Street park..... No damn bus.... neither Coaster nor JUTC bus .... People sprawl off all over the place .... eyeing the entrance and formulating the best route to stampede dem neighbour as soon as a bus appear on horizon. Low and behold a coaster appear ..... Jesus deliver me .... mi say ....... people appear like ants pon a dollar bread.... Lucky for me the resident vendor "Sweaty".....grab mi travelling and push it through a window so at least mi bag secure in a seat.

When the stampede was finished I gently made my way into the bus and tried to arrange my kurroches in my lap so I could be as comfy as possible... yeahhhh a deh suh di drama start ....

So a male higgler whom I shall refer to Good Bwoi....... have a big rass bag outta door pon a pulley..... so he decided that he was going to commandeer the seat that faced the door beside guess who .... Nuh me ......😏. Hear Good Bwoi to the likkle old lady beside mi nuh..... " Hey Auntie mah need dah seat yah ennuh.... " Di lady look up pon him and say " mi nah move"

Good Bwoi say .... Arite den .... and put eeen di trolley and pen eeen the oman and me inna di corner 😒. While dis a gwaan ennuh ... di bus still a load and we a wait bout 15 minutes cah di ducta deciden say him nah lefff til di bus ram up like dance hall........

Now occupying the seat befront me was a homan wid a wig that looked like it had spent at least 6 weeks more than the intended time pon har head..... it had streaks from about 5 different colours .... in effect har wig wenna compete wit Bozzo the clown 😂😂😂😂😂...... now all this time she a sing pon the tappest of har vice ...... 😋😋😋😋😋😋

 "Mi cyah hold it mi a bawl out..... a regila mi haffi bawl out"...... When that song rere to finish like a light bulb go off ova har head and shi start tek stock of the amount of time were were waiting. 😒😒😒😒😒😒

Mi ongle hear wen she halla out...... " Hey Ducta bwoiiiiiiiiiiii" 😡😡😡😡😡😡
with that drawl perfcted by ghetto gyals all ova
 Call the big hole jiva nuh....... Yuh nuh see seh di bus looooooaaaaaaaddddddd" 😡😡😡😡
And the tirade continued .......

Hey a mus a big belly jiva a jive da bus yaaaaaahhhhhhhh ennuuuhhhhhhh.....
Jivaaaaaaaa ....... a rerk u deh ennnuuhhhhhh..... why yah suffer people suh ..... BBC.....
Yuh is a real fucking Satan Bwoi ennuh...... 😡😡😡😡

By this time the driver had jumped in the saddle ..... but was refusing to drive the bus with Xena warrior princess....😒😒😒😒😒

Driver : Come offa mi bus .... mi nah carry yuh
Xena : BBhole come tek mi afffffffffff...... Mi nah come aff ............. Mi a Jesus pickney.... No Satan Bwoi cyah touch miiiiiiiiiiiiii.

Yah do yuh rerk ....... yuh fi treat we betta man ..... mi need fi gah mi shop fi hustle mi pawdna .....
Cah unnuh si how mi lukker and nice mi cyah sell sawl.

Xena rere proceed to cus the jiva from town straight to Portmore Mall before she come off. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

To how Xena dig up di bus all Good Bwoi end up palagize to grandma..... waiiiiii no sah

Look yah man..... mi know say deep down some a unnuh a wonder if me a attract trouble ennuh but mi swear mi innocent. Trouble a run mi dung breathless and naked .... Suh unnuh pray fi mi deh

The Soiree

So we iz all know that in relationships two wrongs doh mek a right ... but when it come on to this scenario I just wanna know who wrong and who wronger ? 👀👀👀

In a world of sexual openness and free love a friend of mine who I shall hereafter refer to as Barbara relayed a story to me that had me in stitches ......

 Oh Lort ...... My dawlings ..... so let me set the scene ....😎

Now somes of unnuz may know that there are groups of persons who dont mind swapping sexually charged images .... sexting.... sex group chats ... use/ sells sex toys ... the whole shebang  ... Ef your are doesnt know climb out from the hole that you are in mi chile....

 😐😐😐

 There are also persons who like to meet up and exchange DNA with random strangers, 

and or watch others exchange DNA with random persons. Yest people that is are also a thing 

😈😈😈😈😈

I must say if  you know me then you know I am far from judgmental 😛😜😝.... Do what floats your boat.... once you can find a like minded person. 👌👌👌👌

As far as I know sex is there for everyone and as my darling friend related to me .......she was invited to on such Sex- Soiree. 💥💥💥💣💣💣

Due to how my friend doh jive and its not suggested that one engage a taxi to attend such events which are usually held in at some off the  beat track location she took it upon herself to ask her spouse who I will call Barry to accompany her to the Soiree .... heh heh .... 😁😁😁😁😁

Proper settings according to Barbara ..... real Arabian Nights type shit ...... Smoke Machine Seductive music piping throughout

Sheer dividers separating the participants ..... moans and screams echoing.. spanking …… mechanical buzzing throughout.

Well it seems like Barbara did not give  Barry full disclosure as to the depths of the partimentation fah she say when they were reacheth  Barry  👀👀👀 start pop outta him head .... with all of the latio .... and lingus and coitus .... inner di Soiree ....😍😍😍

As Barbara tells it she had no intentions of swapping anything with anyone she was there to watch from a safe distance, much like being on an African Safari..... but not Barry. Barry could hardly contain himself.  

According to Barbara after about 20 mins Barry said he was going to one of the booths that were there selling a wide assortment of related merchandise.... Barbara said she thought for sure Barry was going to get a toy for their mutual pleasure later in the night after the party had sufficiently revved up their engines 😁😁😁😁😁 suh she ask Barry 

Barbara ......." A wah yah guh buy ?"

Barry....... " Condom" 

Barbara........ " Condom ? ...... Fi do wah ?" 😕😕😕

Barry ......... " You know..... Just in case a girl approach me" 😏😏😏😏😏

Of  course Barbara offered to follow him to get the condoms .... when they got there Barry took out his money and purchased 2 packs of condoms and put them in his pocket as he turned to leave Barbara went into her purse and also purchased two packs of condoms.

Barry's disposition changed immediately 😒😒😒😒😒

Barry ......"Wah yah do wid condom ?" 😕😕😕

Barbara ....... " You know .. just in case someone approach me .... i wanna be prepared for anything "

Barbara say cold sweat start wash Barry and him face jus drop .... 😒😒😒😒😒 and whole night Barry jus siidung a di pool side wid him foot a swing inna di water 😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁. 

Barry doh look leff and Barry doh look right . Hahahahahaha Waiiiiiii

  

Waiiiiiii My people ... my people ...... This new age love is certainly filled with amusement 

Now tell me if Barry outta awda n brite ..... and tell me if Barbara wrong or right

 😈😈😈😈😈

A wah coulda cause dis?

You eva just get up inna di mawning and leff you yaad fi guh rerk and have a gnawing sense that almshouse is afoot? 😟

Well this morning........true to form I was out of my good good bed from 4 o'clock fi try reach the plantation early when I became awash with this unsettling feeling. Like a true creature of habit I did a mental check of all my ( b4 mi leff mi yaad)  must do things and turn back two time .... and thru dat the early bus leff mi 😒 .... walking out to the bus stop mi see the " in case the early bus miss you" coaster fly pass mi spot 😢
 ..... A wah coulda cause dis? 😧

Ok but mi still neva late soooooooo mi a wait pon mi in case of emergency ( doh mek dis miss you coaster) bus  when mi see a small bus .... rare but hey......
 The driver may as well have been Miss Daisy how him drive frigging slow ..... Cho Badwod Badwod Badwod  Claaat  😡😡😡😡😡..... breathe chile ...... you're only going to Golden Circle Plantation .... No need to rush .....

Ok so now the morning get interesting ..... Who dat a circle Downtown like  freshly certified hawks  but two police jeep .... cho man it too early fi this shit ....... See a taxi .... dash een deh wid mi ova size bag .... taxi drive off ... instantly the bredda beside mi snuggle up pon mi shoulda and promptly fall a sleep ...... Really Nigga its like 5:40 ..... A WHO WOK YOU OUT LASS NITE ?....... Ease up nigga cause a neh mi. Oman pon the odda side a have a interesting convo wid har fren ....... have mercy .... Nuh wah kno har bizniz ennuh all of a sudden rain start drizzle mi hear she gi out .....
 A wah di bloodclaaat  dis ? A rain dat ... and mi nahave no ambrella ?

Mi start pop up wid laff ..... hear her nuh .... in a big dirty ghetto voice .....
" Lady .... a wah yah laff fah?" 😑
 before mi could even respond she call fi a stop ... 
Driva let me off a embassy!!!!

 Anyways any  well-to-do Jamaican dat haffi pass US Embassy know that its a bustling commercial ecosystem ..... Of which .... unbeknownst to me and my fellow travellers Ghetto 
goodie was a part of.
Ghetto Goodie open the car door and a nether goodie hawk dung pon di car fi engage what she presumed to be a Visa Seeker only to be greeted with a big loud ...... " BITCH MOVE AND GWEH" 😮😮😮😮😮.... Inna mi mind mi a seh dem Goodie yah ramp ruff sah .

Mi seh in a split second Taxi Goodie get one lick inna har face and she in turn grab the odda goodie and throweth her dung pon the taxi man soft soft Tiida bonnet .....  😲😲😲😲😲

To how we frighten hear the driva unnuh a see dis? 😕😕😕😕😕😕
 then promptly reverse suh dem nuh drop pon the car bonnet again 

😀😀😀😀😀😀😀No sah ....... Things a get warm out chere 

Now mi have several questions?

1. A wah really a gwaan outta embassy ? 😵😵😵😵😵

2. A wah dem goodie deh a nyam a dem yaad suh early fi find strength fi a frigging fight?

3. Will the Tiida require Intensive Care affa dat deh Rass drop pon di bonnet ?
and finally A wah really coulda cause all a dis?

Bus the ghetto youth

Sooooooo mi neva wah share this secret ennuh but it appears that I have a stalker. Nothing dangerous though man...... this is my assumption

He pours out his heart to me, he says he is trying to seduce me.

I try my hardest not to but I can't help but laugh. Now you may think I am cruel to laugh but that is only because I haven't shared his lyrics.

Soooo on one early encounter he walked me down earnestly to tell me.

Suh yuh nah bus the ghetto yute ?

"You tv a show clear ennuh not even one rice grain".

He continued

" A you fi be mi yute dem step madda ennuh "...

After several months of similar advances i was walking by and he gestured to me, I brushed him off and continued on my way....

Hear di bwoy on the top of his voice " ohhhh suh you a style me and a last night you did a wear mi tear up tear up underpants".

Yo when mi tell you say people were passing out from laughter I am not joking.

Suh now him say him aguh get serious..

" Hey run whey the cartoon He-man and tek a real life powa ranger inna yuh life.

Hey yuh baddy trang ennuh, nuh suck suck bwoy cyah manage dat ennuh you need a Milo drinking champion boi.

Yo you need a man whey mix mortar and lay tile nuh nerd cyah manage

 

Now him get drastic hear him to me

Yuh si how yah nah bus di ghetto yute..... Mi aguh tek you whey...... Breed yuh three time den let you guh and nuh mind non a di yute dem 

Now after dem courtship deh talk truth who woulda bus di ghetto yute

Taste and buy guinep

Yo mi say......... if you love guinep like I love guinep you can't pass a vendor without being tempted. 

To compound this issue some vendors frequently shout " taste and buy guinep" to lure 

you in even more.

Well mek I dash out a warning; there is such a thing as " taste and buy guinep etiquette". I is not joking rasta.

Soooo mi spot a vendor wid some niooce looking guinep and as I was about to chuck off inna di taste and buy offer when a oman shot pass mi yow.

 Mi was about fi handle har rash ennuh when the vendor knock all the vengeance outta mi.

The shubber oman grab a guinep bite the skin and started to suck the guinep, hear her to the vendor "dis sour man " and was about fi step off.

Jah Rastafari know say I don't know what trigger guh off inna di vendor head, mi only hear when she give out..  .....

Suh spit out di bloodclaat guinep nuh ..... Yah walk off and a suck it same way. A people like you crucified Jesus, by di time you done walk and suck ,no guinep seller nuh get Dolla from you bitch.......

Look yah man my appetite cutttttt same time.

Drop mic ..... Exit stage right 

Gentle people nuh suck it and nuh buy it ........ duhhhh nuh badda try it  I-ya-yi