Dear Jesus protect us from harm and green arm

Having spent my teenage years in a rural community in Westmoreland I was exposed to a whole host of myths ranging from how to ward off duppy to how to eradicate green arm. Today as I was held hostage on the bus by a man with the greenest of arms I tried to remember what mamma used to say was the sure fire remedy for that affliction. Was it baking soda? Hot potato? Banana leave? Unfortunately my brain decided to pull blanks.

You mean to tell me in modern day Jamaica with running water and cheap soap people still a walk around with " green arm"

Not even the memories from  when I used to walk past saw mills as a child with freshly cut cedar tree could compete. The man rere so green and the a/c just circulate the scent I almost passed flat out.

That stomach turning smell need axe, halls,gingerlog, icy mint sweetie inna one fi help soothe the stomach.

Oh lord please  protect  us from harm and these wicked green arms.

Golden Circle Chronicles: The Porter

Now I say Golden Circle is notorious for having a diversified combination of characters as staff members. Some are brilliant, others troubled, some shoulder deep seated self esteem issues , some are psychotic, others vindictive, some loquacious, then there are the  oversexed and also the desperately in need it sex.

Its funny, everyday we interact with each other and have no clue how our colleague categorise or perceive us.

While on one my dreaded weekend duties I was drawn into a conversation with a young man who is of the impression that he is the cats pyjamas.

His idea of romancing is to talk a woman to into submission...... Like seriously the young man must have a steady diet of chicken batty fah man nuh spose to chat suh much.

Gentle Jesus him chat till mi haffi just give up and move. I had to say to him .... Mr World women rarely take to men who are as chatty as you.

His response ....... him nuh business wat Oman wah think ..... So obviously him a look fi mate wid a goat because no woman in her right mind will want a man that daily routine have more dialogue that all the day time soap operas combined.

Puppa Jesus if you nuh busy .... Intervene fi mi. Woooiiiiii

After me a tell the fellow fi tone down wid Di mout a massy business him say ... Some people like you come here a wrench up yuh face because you home life miserable and is people like me haffi cheer unnuh up.

Yeah after him say dat mi brain immediately run outta phone card and mi jus hang up.

Just goes to show how people stay inna dem coop and a pree people going on their merry way ... Did damn outta order bwoy .......

Ahhhh sah ..... The chronicles continues.

Mass Joe

No sah ..... I get very fraid with my business these last few days... because the scandal business it tun up inna di place. From this week start, people's business has been the source of my unending laughter and to close off the week a conductor crack me up pon di country bus  aka  (portmore coaster) inna this Friday yah.

Of course if you ever take a country bus aka portmore coaster you know that the driver and the conductor nuh normally have dem mannaz pon dem.
So doh get frisky and try toe to toe wid them or dem will chat you business .... whether it is  real or imagined.

Soooooooo...... this slim girl is escorted to the bus by her doting spouse (we assume), who gives her money and hands over her corouches after she is properly seated , he then proceeds to wait until the bus drives off before walking  away in the opposite direction.

Woiiiii as di bus cross over the stop light hear di girl inna a very stocious voice.
Ahhhhhhmmmm conductor yuh can let me off please I want to take a 20a instead. Hear di wicked conductor yeah come up wid the fare , is bills from the bus drive off the stand.

Poor girl haffi  pay 100 dollar for one minute drive. Hear the conductor after she come off.

Think unnuh Oman easy ..... Hmmmm give di man a big ass pill inna di evening and now she gawn over to Joe. Then he proceeds to ask the women on the bus if any of them know Mass Joe.

Hear him ....Mass Joe annuh easy bwoy ennuh, him specialise inna tekking whey man Oman.

Hahaha no sah

People remember if you have to take a country bus .....  keep the business under wraps because these bus men are like leaky fridge dem nuh play fi leak people business.

6:30 | Patois Definition on Jamaican Patwah

6:30 | Patois Definition on Jamaican Patwah

Oh brother why me ?

Leaving school to go to home in the country (aka Portmore) when you don't own a vehicle is no laughing matter  but every now and again you will come across an individual that will crack you up.

So..... after fighting and sustaining a few body blows from my fellow county residents I made it into a coaster bus.

The driver is a very Rick Ross like..... And I ain't talking bout just lose a hundred pounds skinny Rick Ross . Rick Ross with the Santa Clause gut.

He turned to me and asked
" You married ?"
I replied no I am not married
He say " ohhhhh "
By this time I am curious as to why he would ask this question and then follow up with ohhhhh.

So me tek my nuff self and decide to press him for the answer to my questions.

Bwoy was I wrong I should have just remained curious.

So I asked him why the ohhhhhh ?

His response

"Well mi know you cyah wash and mi know yuh cyah cook and mi know seh you especially cyah do 6:30 "

To which all the women at the front of the bus start cracking up.

What was funny to me is that I don't even think he would know what to do with 6:30 with him oversize self. Cho kmt .

Bwoy me neva know say a suh di married ting tun up. Woooooiiiiiiii guess immo be unmarried for a while if 6:30 is a prerequisite.

Hmmmm guess its true curiosity really does kill the cat.
#lessonlearnt - doh try toe to toe wid bus man.

Golden Circle Hospital Chronicles : Unnuh Sick mi stomach

Protect us from evil ohhh lord as we venture to Golden Circle.

Every day we leave the comfort of our homes and come to Golden Circle to endure the abuse. Golden Circle patience are very vilence ennuh and the brunt of the anger is directed to the clerical worker and security personnel.

Typical day @ Golden Circle

Clerical officer : "Come this way ma'am, pass the security then have a seat and  wait for your name to be called"

Patient : "Come Babes"

Clerical officer: "No ma'am just you, its patient only."

Patient: "a wah happen to dem dutty people yah man? Annuh bwoy fren dat  ennuh lady, dat a husband. Nuff ah unnuh nuh like see oman wid dem man cyah  unnuh nuh have none fi unnuh self."

Clerical Officer: "yes man and after all is said and done is just the patient alone can come."

By this time har face thoroughly crease up and har mouth long like swordfish.

Patient: "Security mi husband cyah come eeen?"

Security: "Miss you have to follow the instruction the lady just gave you."

Patient:" Di whole ah unnuh up yah sick mi stomach. "

Ahhhh keep us in unnuh prayers people ....ohhh fah we needs it .